when you vote, will you vote so that other ppl will obey God or to practice your obedience to God..

just on friday it seemed like i was finally learning how to do "everyday life" stuff (in an entry in my utmost for His highest in early october it talks about being a strong Christian as something shown by how you do "in the valleys of everyday life" rather than on the more occassional "mountaintop" instances. basically, things have been sucky for a loooong time, but i'm actually learning stuff. it doesn't always stick, but.. anyway, one of these things is that God knows my heart, even if i don't pray something right. that was pretty much the lesson leading to the conclusion that i'm learning to grow in the "everyday life" times. but these past few days i've been feeling extra apart from God. and i have no idea what He wants for next term (w.r.t. w.c.f. stuff).

sammi can skip this part-
one day i read the "do not worry" part of matthew six. "...your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (vs. 32 to 33)

not much of a worry-er about being provided for.. but a bunch of ppl have been told vaguely about "the complications". so that's what this was applied to. but i don't even know what it means to seek His kingdom (well kinda) and His righteousness anymore. it's been so long since i aspired to be more like Jesus. and my understanding of God is so messed up now.

being not secure (not in the self-esteem kind of way) also = not surrendering ..meaning not seeking Him first.

what should be surrendered is also.. well the surrendering part isn't really affected by this. but yeah, unclear situation.

anyway, ratified! woot.

sm. group today. i think i actually realized this before, but we were talking about doing things to please God. for me, glorifying God/doing stuff for God has right/wrong connotations...so i realized, i'm already covered by Jesus' blood... i don't need to worry about the right and wrong stuff, i can just do stuff to please God. though for me there's also that whole thing of "but i don't wanna do this thing"

today i saw maeghan.

a bit closer to surrendering um..something...

i've started.. well, writing out prayers doesn't work well for me. i always feel pressure to write like something poetic or something, and sometimes it's like, i just prayed it in my head, why do i need to write it down again? anyway, i've started using crayons to kind of...write a verse to remind myself of or my thought process during some praying/reflection time.

ambivalent towards exec...or apathetic but not exactly ('cos i know if/when i get rejected i'll probably be sad). last time i wanted it really bad (though it was kind of not peaceful). this time...well...in the first two days i'd check my mail and have a heart attack before getting into my inbox. now...i dunno. there's a lot of stuff i wanna do next year. and it seems like there are a lot of ppl who got interviewed. kinda realized too late (i.e. i wish i realized earlier) that, at least w/ the way things are this term, doing worship planning can influence what happens at large group. definitely don't feel adequate.

honestly though, it's b/c of my faith that i get into so much...unnecessary heartache. okay, more b/c of legalism which i'd have less of if i wasn't a Christian. (this is no longer directly related to the previous paragraph, for anyone wondering...) some stuff that was problematic from high school is still problematic, though kind of diff'ly.

talked to mike 'til 5 on tuesday (technically wednesday) ..'bout different stuff. kind of makes me think (though i haven't thought too much about the stuff that makes me think. it was kind of a "hmmm..maybe i should look into that" kinda thing) ...and another time he said something about loving other ppl and...i dunno, something i forget. oh, trusting God to take care of stuff (e.g. when you don't understand something...or of other ppl's salvation)

might as well mention dessert party. we went to 'travelling pants' and then had dessert party at holly's. sex in a pan is muy delicioso :) and this guy was trying to make deep fried ice cream, but when they put the ice cream into the pot, a huge flame went up. and then another one. smoke detector went off but no fire alarm. (if this happened at minota the fire alarm would have gone off :p )

lg was good tonight. as expected though maybe not the exact way i expected it :p but sharing is increasing. last night mike asked me where i wanted wcf to go..i just had some stuff other ppl said. later i realized, i want the fellowship we had at peoples...like sharing...growing together... though the outreach stuff that's been brought up is cool too...but i guess now i have to figure out what i see re. outreach for us as a group...'cos i'm used to thinking about it on an individual level. we've talked about blessing other ppl this term. which i've liked. plus it's something everyone can do more easily.

oh yeah, mike isn't the mike you/most of you know...

okay let's get to serious stuff...i know what i need to surrender but b/c of "the complications" i won't do it. b/c of "the complications" i hold on to everything. been feeling very un-Spirit-led. not that i can point out any time in the past..long time..that i have been. methinks i need to broaden my view

i understand the friendship part of evangelism a bit more now...you kind of can't witness to someone and not care about them and talk to them after and stuff... and i get the friendship evangelism stuff a bit more -- friendship that's unconditional. kind of like what one of our fellowship speakers said before about going w/ someone even if you don't like the choice they're making. (she also said that Jesus never req'd that ppl believe in Him when He healed them).

the guy also cited something from a bk that i don't know the name of:
give fish, teach to fish, fishing equipment, fair pond access.
which makes sense b/c what's the point of knowing how to fish if you don't have the supplies and you can't get to the pond? but also you can't teach somebody to fish w/out giving them a fish 1st to eat. giving the fish is like relief work (emergencies, immediate needs), fishing equip. is community dev't, pond access is structural change.

also went to a seminar about muslim stuff...which was actually a lot of her making inferences based on muslim culture rather than the Bible. but it made me wanna cry...and to be friends w/ muslim ppl... and the int'l students one made me wanna be friends w/ int'l students....this guy was saying how he met some from a closed country and was surprised that they had never heard about Jesus. it never occurred to me that there are int'l students who have never heard about Jesus, at least not the real/full story.

i saw mrs. o. mr. fuller's brother did a seminar but i didn't go though i thought of going :p

went to the u.p. booth. jessica was there, but not when i was. not roo, another jessica.

on easter sunday we had a dinner for int'l students. i met some ppl from a closed country. some of them found out about some church stuff here and started going. they seemed really open to it. which was neat.

idolatrous once again. same story, diff. characters. i dunno.
okay maybe this post wasn't that much like a real post.