just on friday it seemed like i was finally learning how to do "everyday life" stuff (in an entry in my utmost for His highest in early october it talks about being a strong Christian as something shown by how you do "in the valleys of everyday life" rather than on the more occassional "mountaintop" instances. basically, things have been sucky for a loooong time, but i'm actually learning stuff. it doesn't always stick, but.. anyway, one of these things is that God knows my heart, even if i don't pray something right. that was pretty much the lesson leading to the conclusion that i'm learning to grow in the "everyday life" times. but these past few days i've been feeling extra apart from God. and i have no idea what He wants for next term (w.r.t. w.c.f. stuff).

sammi can skip this part-
one day i read the "do not worry" part of matthew six. "...your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (vs. 32 to 33)

not much of a worry-er about being provided for.. but a bunch of ppl have been told vaguely about "the complications". so that's what this was applied to. but i don't even know what it means to seek His kingdom (well kinda) and His righteousness anymore. it's been so long since i aspired to be more like Jesus. and my understanding of God is so messed up now.

being not secure (not in the self-esteem kind of way) also = not surrendering ..meaning not seeking Him first.

what should be surrendered is also.. well the surrendering part isn't really affected by this. but yeah, unclear situation.